Having your 6yo drag you out of the proverbial closet

I had a huge panic attack last night. Michiru, being the angel that she is, stayed up and helped me calm down. She held my hand until it passed. Lucky for Hotaru, the kid didn’t notice a thing. I would have hated lying to her and her therapist Helga-san insists she isn’t to be told about Leo’s passing yet, so it would have been inconvenient. I want Hotaru to be happy. I don’t want her to feel the pain and heartache I’m going through.

What made me sad was decorating the Christmas Tree. Mom bought one for us since she couldn’t find hers. Hotaru was beyond thrilled and so was I for the first time in my life, as I’ve never cared one bit about putting the thing together, but this year… I don’t know…

Last year we all decorated it as a family, with Leo and mom and Hotaru… and now he’s gone. That hit me bad and I was super sad, which eventually became a trigger. I still had insane fun decorating the tree with Hotaru and Michiru (mom was too exhausted and left after dinner).

I was still shaken when I woke up this morning, so I just sat on the couch for a while, feeling the slightest thing would cause me another anxiety attack. Looking for a possible solution, I sunbathed at the balcony for a few minutes, thinking perhaps day light would help. They say people in countries with little sunlight are more likely to get depressed so, perhaps, the opposite was true and the light would cheer me up.

It kinda did, so Hotaru and I packed some snacks and headed for the park for a picnic. We spent the entire day at the park. It was quiet and just what I needed. We laid our plastic on the grass and took out my book and her art supplies. I tried to read while she painted some Disney princesses, but she would talk all the time so I gave up. Instead, I lay on my back using the book as a pillow and stared at the sky. Looking at the clouds roll by slowly and the tree canopies dancing in the breeze was just what I needed. It recharged my batteries completely.

When I was a bit more recovered and Hotaru was done with both her lunch and her coloring, we switched to Japanese. I taught her Koko/Soko/Asoko and we practiced her long objects counter (ippon, nihon, sanbon…) and even made a video of her counting her color pencils. We also practiced all the body parts she already knows and added a few new ones to expand her horizons.

After that, we drew fruits and veggies and wrote their names in Hiragana, then we played Shiritori on our way home. It was such a great day that at the park that the dread was completely forgotten by the time we got home (it was like 8pm by then!).

Hotaru took a nap while I made dinner, then I took a nap while the kid was on the phone with Chibi Usa, talking about their Christmas Trees and My Little Pony. When she hung up, we worked on a birthday card for Michiru. She’s turning thirty on Friday ^^

After that, Hotaru and I tried to bake gluten free Christmas Bread for Chibi Usa and Odango Atama, but it was an epic fail… well… not so much. It turned out to be a really yummy pudding. But it certainly doesn’t look like any sort of bread. Gluten free cooking is SOOOOOO frustrating. I’ve always been a very intuitive cook. I can whisk together a few ingredients in eye measured proportions and always have a delicious result that looks and tastes exactly as planned…

Well, looks like my ability to measure things and guess how the different proportions affect the final result has A LOT to do with gluten and how it chemically and physically affects dough and batter… Which is very frustrating. I love cooking intuitively as much as I hate following recipes. Seriously. I can’t follow a recipe to save my life. I. NEED. TO. REBEL. Always have and always will. This only means I’ll have to experiment with gluten free flour a lot more.

After our failed baking (which was a good opportunity to teach the kid how to fail and not care about it), Hotaru and I listened to an old bedtime stories collection I used to play before bedtime as a kid. My mom worked a lot so she seldom had the time for bedtime stories. Instead, she bought me a set of books that came with cassette tapes, where a man and a woman took turns reading the stories out loud.

Hotaru absolutely loved them. Especially the ones about Gobolino, the witch’s cat. I used to love his stories. They were my very favorite from all the recorded stories. I read a couple of them to her myself, but my throat has been sore this week so I apologized and kept playing the recordings instead. She was very understanding. I still recited some parts of the story over the cassette, because they were my favorite and it was very nostalgic.

The kid drew a kitty flying on a broom and wrote Gobolino under it and said those stories were her favorite and then made a tiny heart with her hands. We also listened to Rapunzel, The Beauty and the Beast, The Shoe Maker and the Elves and another couple of stories. We spent like two hours listening to those old stories. It was so wonderful to hear them again and share them with the kid ❤ ❤ ❤

Oh, I forgot to mention this but, as we worked on the Christmas Bread, Hotaru and I were singing an old nursery rhyme about a girl who wants to get married. At one point, Hotaru stopped and looked at me with a smug smile. Then, she said “I know whom you want to get married to.” “Who?” I asked. And she said: “Michiru.”

I was mildly surprised, because this is not the first time that she brings this up.

“What makes you think that?” I asked.

“Well, you’re Haruka-papa and if you married her, then she’d be Michiru-mama for real and I’d have two mothers.” She said with a huge grin. I was two inches away from pinching myself. It felt so surreal. I keep on thinking that kids would hate to have two mothers or fathers because other people might bully them… or that no kid wants their parent to get married to someone else, even though I know that Hotaru loves Michiru and that she is ok with gay people.

“Wouldn’t you hate that?” I asked. “Having two mothers.”

Hotaru looked at me like I was a two headed alien and said: “No. Why would I? I adore Michiru and she’s polite and fun.”

“Even though she keeps on telling you off whenever you misbehave or forget to brush your teeth?” I asked.

Hotaru snorted. “Of course!” The kid can be sassy sometimes. I usually discourage it but I secretly love it when she gives me a little attitude, as long as it’s a harmless situation like this.

“And you’re sure you don’t mind us being gay?”

She rolled her eyes and pointed at me with a batter coated spoon.

“I LOVE you guys being gay!” Hotaru said with a grin, as she jumped up (I was starting to fear she’d spill the batter at this point). “Because that way I can have two moms and you’ll both love me.” She said. Not that we don’t love her currently, mind you. “Wouldn’t you like to marry Michiru?” She asked with a worried frown.

I was out of words for a moment. I knew the answer, but I didn’t know whether it was the time to talk about that. Then again, I felt it was and I’d rather go with the flow and follow my intuition than thinking things over like a pragmatic person. When I try to be someone I’m not, it often ends in disaster.

“Yes. I’m kind of in love with her.” I confessed. She gasped in a Fluffle Puff impersonation and jumped up and down in elation again (so I took the batter bowl from her hands and placed it on the counter).

“Then you DEFINITELY must marry her!”

“Eventually… but, are you sure you wouldn’t mind her moving in with us? Because if I married her, she’d have to move in here.” I explained.

Hotaru snorted again.

“Of course I don’t mind. I love having Michiru around. I adore her!”

“Why?”

“Because she’s the best and she can turn into a dog!” (that’s an inside joke I don’t feel like explaining right now but it was cute of her to bring it up).

“All right.” I said. “I’ll probably ask her to marry me… in time. But I want you to know that if you ever feel she does or says something that upsets you or whatever, you come straight to me. You’re my daughter before anything else and you’ll always come first.” I promised and she gave me a bear hug.

I showed her the engagement ring and had her swear to keep the secret until I decided it was the right time to propose. She was beyond excited and gasped when she saw it, then whispered “it’s beautiful…”

Then she refocused on the batter and that was that but I think it was very sweet. She’s the sweetest. If I were to read this I’d think someone was writing a very boring piece of fiction where all the Mary Sues act just as one would dream they would… Looks like I’m doing something right raising this kid. Not only she doesn’t ask me to buy her stuff whenever we go out, but she’s also pro gay marriage and gets along wonderfully with my girlfriend. I’m so lucky to have this great people in my life.

Mom has been super supportive to me, too. Not only in general, but today in particular. We had a long talk over the phone about my panic attack. My aunt was just as supportive and kept me company through whatsapp when I needed it.

Oh, another funny thing that happened today… I confessed to mom that I’m absolutely clueless as to what to get Michiru for her birthday… and she gave me a few suggestions! It was positively surreal. I mean, my mom, who didn’t want to hear anything about me being gay had Michiru and us over for lunch last weekend and now she not only gives me birthday present ideas, but she even said that we should bring Michiru along with us when we take the architect over to the new house so he can help us plan the remodeling… I was like WOW. And, the other day, when I talked to her about Michiru moving in, she said that life was meant to be enjoyed and that she’s happy I’m getting a chance to do the things I’ve always dreamed of. ❤ Man, I love my mom ❤

Also wrote to my therapist. She will get back to work next week but after hearing of how anxious I’ve been lately, she suggested I started on clonazepam again. I was completely against it so she said she wanted me to talk with a psychiatrist to have her decide whether or not I should go back on those meds. I agreed but I plan on making it crystal clear that I don’t have the slight intention on taking any meds. Four years was more than enough for a lifetime. I’m not going back to being a zombie.

I also couched Phillip’s mom Grace through the process of buying a Pokemon game from the Nintendo 3DS console… through Whatsapp! I had to send the poor woman a bunch of screencaps and even then I’m not sure she managed to make the purchase.

Health update: I really need to get my wisdom tooth removed. It hurts often. I dislocated my jaw somehow (probably trying to avoid using my wisdom tooth), which has made eating extremely painful in the last few days. It seems I’ve sprained my ankle at the park so yeah… I’m a mess.

 

Long weekend

Yes, I’ve been super MIA. I know. I haven’t been in the mood for writing lately. I’m still too shocked and sad by Leo’s passing. I hadn’t recovered from what happened to Mr. Remus yet (he was our pet bunny) and now this… I’ve never had a healthy relationship with death. It terrifies the hell out of me and this keeps me in a gloomy mood.

Still, I’ve been trying my best to stay active and put on a strong face for Hotaru’s sake. There’s lots of news, too.  All of them wonderful.

Mom promised Hotaru she’d give us her old Christmas Tree as it was too huge for her now that she’ll be moving into a small apartment. Hotaru was thrilled, but also felt a little guilty about her not having her own tree, so we worked on this project. I think it came out amazing. We worked on it for about five days and Hotaru did all the difficult work. I just carved the tree shape with an exacto knife and glued the parts together.

Hotaru painted it and then designed the decorations and made most of them out of cold porcelain. I only made the reindeer and the dove. The kid modeled the sledge, mini Santa, mini elf, present box, candy cane and all the tiny balls. We gave it to mom last Saturday.

Mom absolutely loved it. She was very touched by the gift and said it was the best Christmas Tree she’s had in her entire life. She’s also cleared an entire table at her house to place it. Hotaru was beyond happy to learn this. She also said it was a little sad the project was over, and that she would miss working on it.

I would have suggested we made another one, but there’s so much Christmas baking waiting for us (and in this weather ugh!) and then there’s the home made crackers… we’ll have more than enough to keep us busy.

Yesterday, I signed the second part of the paperwork needed to sell the house so we got half of the money already. I think we’ll be signing the last batch of papers on January 9th, but I’m not sure. I had never seen so many dollars together in my life. I wasn’t too impressed though. I don’t value money much to be honest. I’d rather be happy with those I hold close to my heart.

In fact, having to count all that money to make sure it was all there, was a HUGE nuisance. Especially with everyone else talking and swapping phone numbers. They were super distracting and the constant whispering of numbers forced me to start over several times. By the end, I felt murderous. I’m lucky I’ll never have a job that requires me to constantly count money because it would be most frustrating.

Both the other sellers, my old neighbors Susan and Karina, were in awe of Hotaru. They had seen her last weekend when she spent the night at mom’s. They were both very impressed by her vocabulary and general knowledge, as well as her speech pattern. They said it sounds very adult like. They don’t know half of it LOL. The kid is such a genius ❤

(Above – Left to right: Chibi Usa, Lulu, Hotaru, Valu)
(Below – Left to right: Andy-sensei, Chibi Usa, Valu, Hotaru)

Hotaru had an event at school last week. The school teachers gave a speech, then Valu’s mom did the same representing the lot of us. The teachers made out kids enter the stage holding a red candle and sing a song for us. It was super cute. They also gave her a medal and a diploma which I consider ridiculous, as they’re not finishing college or anything but whatever. The kid loved it. She’s happy with her medal and carried it everywhere for a few days. That’s what counts.

The kid discovered a new anime that I didn’t know about. It’s called Go! Princess Precure! And we absolutely love it. The main character is a silly girl named Haruka and one of her best friends is called Minami Kaidou… and she’s a total Michiru ripoff. I love this fact, though I think that making her play the violin on top of everything else was a bit overkill. It’s also about 50 episodes long so we’ll be entertained for a long while. Hotaru was sad when Glitter Force was over so this is good news for us.

This was a long weekend. We did plenty of things. Hotaru and I had dinner at my dad’s which was unexpectedly fun. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him but, with my aunt and Sandra and Ruben out of town at the beach house, I didn’t expect to have a blast. We totally did. Sang all night while he played his guitar and dinner was excellent. Even Hotaru joined us for some of the folk songs. She tried to mimic me and learn the lyrics (because she can’t read well enough to read them off the song book yet). It was SO ADORABLE ❤

Hotaru’s friend Phillip invited her over to his house on Friday. They spent the afternoon playing Pokemon TCG and swapping pokemon from 3DS to 3DS as they both own many of the franchise games but in different versions. We have Y and he has X, we have Black and he has White, etcetera. They also went upstairs to their terrace and played with water. Phillip’s mom said they completely drenched the dog and the neighbor LOL. The woman is nice and they live four blocks from where we’ll be moving but she’s too old and doesn’t understand half the things both kids and I talk about.

Michiru and I went on a date to the movies. ^^ We watched Underworld Blood Wars. It was great. I loved it as an action film, but having grown up playing Vampire the Masquerade and other World of Darkness tabletop RPG games, I felt I didn’t believe some parts of the plot. I hated it as a sequel to the saga, even though I loved the movie itself. I know I should be more open minded and understand that Underworld isn’t White Wolf’s WoD, but still… those white haired vampires are SO LAME, they could be Edward Cullen’s long lost cousins. And that’s all I’m gonna say about it. Been bitching about it to the D&D guys all week. I want them to watch it so we can all comment on the subject. Agus promised he would.

Back to the date, it was sweet. We walked to the mall, ordered some food while we chatted about untranscendental things and discussed our daddy issues for such a long time after dinner, we would have completely missed the movie if I hadn’t casually asked what time it was. I thought we still had some time before the movie started and wanted to make sure we didn’t forget about it but when we looked at the time, it was seven minutes past the time printed on the tickets!! We dashed upstairs and were lucky they were showing other movie trailers.

It has been exactly eleven years since the last time Michiru and I went to the movies together. We went to see Constantine back in 2005, though neither of us paid any attention to the movie back then. Underworld we did watch. We no longer have raging hormones and I was really looking forward to this movie. Besides, I love just sitting next to her. Makes me happy. We walked home and watched another movie on the couch before I gave her a back rub and we went to bed, too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Man, we’re old! Officially middle aged LOL.

(Michiru took that pic at the shopping last week and she suggested the pose. It’s so funny ^^)

In the crafts department, Hotaru and I have made other things besides the tree. We made Yo-Kai watches with paper, coloring pencils and some glue.

Sunday, Michiru, Hotaru and I had lunch at my mom’s. It was the first time she officially spent time with Michiru. It was a great lunch. We talked about lots of interesting stuff while Hotaru played with water in the back yard, under my dead old Plum tree. Mom told Michiru funny anecdotes from when I was a child and they both praised Hotaru endlessly. I loved to see us all sharing a table like a family. Michiru even got Hotaru to eat carrots! And she asked for a second helping! Mom was impressed. I was speechless.

Hotaru improvised a tabletop RPG during the second half of our lunch. It involved cooking and some paranormal activity regarding green peas (it’s weird, I know!). She acted as a GM and narrated the story for us in a very mature way. She never ceases to amaze me. She even explained RPG games to my mom so she could play as well. Then, upon seeing her puzzled face, she told her “I think this might be a bit too complex for you, granny.” I laughed my butt off and I’m sure Michiru would have too hadn’t she been a bit intimidated by my mom.

Mom and I gave Michiru the grand tour of the house so she can get to know it before it’s demolished.

After that, Michiru  took Hotaru to the park and I went to Home Depo with Setsuna and her boyfriend. I thought she was driving, which scared me a bit, since she only got her licence two months ago. Luckily for me, it was the boyfriend who drove us there. We had a blast! There was SO MUCH to see. I helped her pick a bathroom curtain and a carpet for her living room. There was a sink I absolutely fell in love with. (The one below)

We tried half a dozen office chairs until both Setsuna and I found one we wanted, but mine was too expensive and will have to wait for another month and hers wasn’t boyfriend approved so she chose not to buy it in the end. I think that’s a mistake on her account. She has to trust her judgement and be her own woman, but I couldn’t tell her that in front of him so I’ll have to find the right moment to bring it up.

Today is Hotaru’s last day of school. I’m supposed to throw confetti at her but the party supply store was closed and now I’m crossing my fingers they’ll reopen when they say they will so I can get it before she gets out. I’m so excited about her going to Mugen Gakuen next year!!

Gay & proud every day…

…so we didn’t go to the pride parade. We’re gay and proud every day anyway.

Instead, Michiru and I took Hotaru to the park, where we met Chibi Usa, Odango Atama and her brother Shingo for lunch. We packed an entire gluten free lunch for them and got there early.

The guys got there a while later as the parade kept them from reaching the park in time. They did text to warn us they’d be late though. Odango Atama brought lots of tabletop games for the kids, who split their time between playing with them and running around like a pair of possessed maniacs. I love it when they enjoy running like that. Kids nowadays spend too much time in front of a screen if you ask me (and I’m worse than all of them put together in that regard, I know!).

We spent four or five hours there before the weather got too cold and a few droplets started to rain on us. That’s when we said goodbye and dashed home to run away from the storm. Then we watched movies on the couch.

I think no amount of crazy loud fun at the parade would have compared to spending a quiet day with my little gay family and our open minded friends. We shared anecdotes and discussed books, movies and TV shows and the kids had a blast.

Tiny picture books

Hotaru came from school claiming all her friends had made tiny picture books and magazines at home. Not as a school activity, but on their own or with their parents or whatever.

Thing is she wanted to make her own and, since they probably just glued a lot of pieces of paper together, I decided to take it a step further and taught Hotaru how to proper make a book.

We got my paper guillotine out and got crafting. Cut two A4 paper sheets into lots of tiny papers and used color paper for the book covers. We made a blue one, a yellow one and a pink one about an inch and a half tall. Then a tiny picture book half their size with colored leaves.

I did the sewing, but Hotaru helped even out the borders with the scissors, folding pages and such. Then she illustrated the books with pictures for the stories she’s supposed to dictate later on, so I can write them down. She still can’t write well and is very self conscious about it.

Michiru wasn’t feeling well today due to a headache, so she napped on the sofa while Hotaru and I binge watched How to Train Your Dragon’s series after dinner. Hotaru sat still enough so Lana fell asleep on her for the first time. She was thrilled.

It was a quiet day but a nice one. I wished to write before bedtime, but my brain was all over the place and I ended up crying my eyes out over Leo again. Then fell asleep.

Close encounter with death

Today was a strange day. It had a very unusual start, but a very fitting one for Thanksgiving (although we don’t officially celebrate it here in Argentina).

I woke up to my cat Lana yowling like crazy. I didn’t get what she meant but she did her best to get me out of bed. I didn’t want to. My body still felt heavy and my joints ached. Hotaru had spent the night at my mom’s and was supposed to take the little firefly straight to school. The official plan was to stay in bed until I had to pick her up. Umi san has her own set of keys so she would let herself out after cleaning the house.

Upon opening my eyes, I did register a faint gas odor, but I disregarded it because the only place that has a gas connection is the kitchen and that’s in the other end of the apartment. Besides, my sense of smell sucks big time. Why would I trust it?

Well, turns out it was right. Umi san had unintentionally left one of the stove knobs on ON after cleaning, but there was no flame. She probably ran the rag through the knobs and one of them just turned around without her noticing, as they’re very sensitive and her eyesight is poor.

Thing is, mom had a feeling she just HAD to stop by my place before dropping Hotaru at school and she, having the hound nose she has, panicked at once. She dashed into the kitchen, turned the stove off and opened all the windows in the house.

I was extremely lucky she decided to do so. I wouldn’t be alive now if she hadn’t. I was so sleepy and sluggish after being exposed to the gas for over an hour, that I couldn’t even help her open the windows. There’s one thing to be thankful for!

After that, we took Hotaru to school. Went to Mugen Gakuen to ask directions to the place that sells their uniform and planned to go there next when a delicious smell from the school’s buffet drew our attention. For old time’s sake, mom and I walked into the cafeteria and ordered today’s menu. Takikomi Gohan and Karaage (ironically, I wrote a short story named exactly that two nights ago!). She also ordered half a dozen Dorayaki and a bunch of fortune cookies because she was clearly in a playful mood (which is her way of grieving, trying to look super upbeat). Mom was nice enough to buy enough for Michiru as well, which is super kind of her.

Mom was so hungry she ate her Dorayaki on the spot while I took our bento home. Before we left, we ran into Misui sensei, my old headmistress, who asked if Hotaru had gotten a seat after all. She implied that it would have been sad that a girl who already speaks Japanese didn’t make it into the school and she looked genuinely happy to learn that the little firefly had been accepted.

We went to buy Hotaru’s uniform next. The place was only a couple of blocks from the school and the clothes are really adorable, yet sober. They have Mugen Gakuen’s logo all over them ❤

We only got the summer and winter uniform for the time being. I’ll have to come back later and get the gym uniform and the official one for ceremonies. But it’s smart of us to get it now. Prices always go up at the beginning of a school year. I’ll try calling the school soon to learn which gym set the girls use, as they’ve several options, depending on which sport your kid chooses.

I can’t believe how tall Hotaru has gotten lately! She’s wearing a size TEN already! And she’s merely six years old! But she can barely fit into a size eight and I seriously doubt she will by the end of the summer, after three months of swimming and running under the sun.

Mom and I ran into Odango Atama when picking Hotaru up. Usagi and Chibi Usa walked with us to our usual square but I was tired and wanted to get home as soon as possible, so we didn’t stop to play. I did stop for a minute to exchange a couple of words with Luz, Valentina’s mother because it has been ages since we’ve last spoken and we used to be quite close last year. Turns out her mother is still very ill so it makes perfect sense that she hasn’t been paying much attention to me or asking for play dates. It’s good to know it’s not personal. This way, I can still call her next year and see if she’d like to lend us her daughter for a couple of hours. Hotaru loves to play with her. Valentina and Chibi Usa are her best friends.

Michiru came home after work. Mom had left by then. Michiru and I had the obento mom bought for tea (it was beyond delicious!) and Hotaru nibbled on the Dorayaki and then had a cereal bar. Michiru wanted to go to the park, but I was still feeling tired so I declined. Instead, we chatted about silly stuff while Hotaru napped with the cat on the sofa and then all of us wathced Kung Fu Panda 3. I liked it but there were several parts that upset me… from a moral perspective. No spoilers, but the movie was OK after all.

Dinner was simple because of my lack of energy. I made it in a rush while Hotaru took a bath and it drained me. No normal flu that lasts this long usually goes away on its own and my throat still hurts, so I guess I’ll be needing antibiotics, but I’m still gonna hope for the best a couple more days before dragging myself to the Dr’s office, which is boring and unpleasant. I have to go there in a couple of days for a blood test and I’d like to see an eye doctor as well, so I’ll try to let things pile up and then see all the different doctors I need to see on the same day.

After dinner, Michiru took a shower and went straight to bed, while Hotaru and I stayed up. Sleeping right after dinner is not healthy and gives you nightmares, which we want to avoid.

Hotaru drew pictures in a story book she’s writing, while I finished my book on Japanese Sociology (started it yestereday… yes, I’m a very fast reader!). Then I read three Japanese bed time stories to her instead of Harry Potter or Narnia. I read her bedtime stories in Japanese at least once a week. I read every sentence and then say it in Spanish or English for her to understand the story fully and I can tell she has started to understand what’s going on without looking at the pictures or me translating.

Today it was one about a bus driver, one about a bunny and another one about a mouse and other animals who suffered from insomnia. We didn’t finish the last one because she was too sleepy, but it was too much like the one we read last time anyway, so no biggie. The art on that one was amazing, though, with a teal background and pastel colors. And such detail!

I had wanted to write tonight, but I don’t feel in the mood. My muse took the year off, it seems. I was feeling it a bit these past few days but I was too tired to even type. LOL

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but Franco told me last Saturday that he and his friend want me to teach them Japanese from level zero. I was beyond thrilled at the idea of going back to teaching, especially Japanese, which I love. Teaching Hotaru has been SO MUCH FUN I can’t wait to go back to it. But my everything hurt so I wasn’t able to display this joy so now Franco thinks I’m not too interested (not really my problem).

Well, today he said that two other friends of his want to join the class, so we’re talking a 3-4 students class. I’m so excited! He understands I’m still shaken over my step dad, so he was kind enough to say they would wait until I feel completely recovered to start talking schedules.

Funny fact, I think I might be a lot like my mom on this regard: I want to go back to work as soon as possible and do things that make me happy to help me palliate the pain of losing someone so important to me.

I was laying awake in bed the other night, crying my eyes out and then it hit me. I wasn’t able to do much for Leo this past year because of the court process against Dr. Tomoe, so I’ll try to stay close to his children and take care of them, help my (step)  brother and sister however I can. It’s what he would have done and it’s what I will do.

As soon as they’re back on their feet a bit, I’ll invite them (and mom) over for a family dinner and let them all know just how much they mean to me and that they can count on me for whatever they might need. Not only now, but in five years time or ten years time.

I wanted to ask mom to save one of his old ties for me, so I can wear it when Michiru and I get married next year, but so far I’ve been too much of a chicken and didn’t dare to bring him up if she didn’t… and she didn’t, of course. Because she doesn’t talk about feelings, especially if they’re anything but blissful.

Oh, Setsuna said we should get together and celebrate that I didn’t die today by crafting cute things out of cold porcelain, which is something we used to do a lot back in high school. I love the idea and it’s cheered me up a lot, just like the idea of teaching did. I miss spending lots of time with Setsuna. I’ve been wearing the clothes she’s given me almost every day now. They’re my favorite and make me feel close to her. Besides, everyone says they look dashing on me =P But, mostly, I wear them because I feel we’re close. ❤

I wish we lived closer by so we could spend more time together doing stuff. She’s been a bit under the weather too lately. Said she had the same symptoms I did so perhaps it’s an epidemic. Michiru’s mom and sister (and herself) felt like this too for a few days last week.

Still exhausted

(Still trying to get this blog up to date)

Tuesday was exhausting. Even more so than Monday. I woke up feeling I needed to go back to bed and sleep for a week… or more. My body felt heavy and I had to use all my willpower to get out of bed and get Hotaru ready for school. Well, she gets ready on her own, really, but I had to prepare breakfast and put her lunch box in her back pack…

I dragged myself to school and then back home. I took a three hour nap on the sofa. Got up after a horrible nightmare and when I looked at the time, it was ten to five… I’m supposed to pick up Hotaru at quarter to five and there’s a ten minute walk to her curent school so I ran like a maniac, mostly fueled by adrenaline. Made it there in record time.

Once Hotaru was with me, I rang my mom. She had promised to take a fifteen minute nap and pick me up but ended up oversleeping herself LOL. Anyway, mom got home a couple of minutes after we did with the blueprints of the Dream House, as I had given them to her for safe keeping. We took Hotaru to therapy and then made several copies of the blueprints.

Then, mom and I sat at a tea house and brainstormed our ideas for the remodeling by doodling all over the blueprint copies. After Hotaru’s session, mom picked her up and brought her back to the tea house. I felt horribly and had zero energy. Mom tried to boost it by ordering prosciutto and tomato sandwiches and, although that made me feel better, I was still far from well, so mom recited poetry to me while Hotaru had sandwiches and orange juice for tea.

After that, we checked up a bazaar by Hotaru’s request and headed straight home, where I dozed off on the sofa. Every now and then, I read my notes from an online Japanese Sociology class I’ve been taking but I was too dazzled to understand a single word. Hotaru played on her own, because I just couldn’t get up. It was a frustrating day.

Focusing on the positive, it’s been ages since mom recited poetry to me. She used to do that all the time when I was around Hotaru’s age and I enjoyed it greatly. It was nice to see this gentler, funny side of her for a change. She seemed better, but I knew it was just her way of coping: getting as busy as possible to avoid thinking and spending time with those closer to her heart.

I felt her disappointment that I was feeling so exhausted I couldn’t even keep up with a conversation, least of all cheer her up as I usually do, but I really didn’t have any energy to spare. Ironically, I felt worse than yesterday, almost as bad as I did on Sunday.

Hotaru’s therapist, Helga, believes we shouldn’t tell her about Leo’s death yet, since she has too much to process already. My friend Franco, who is also a psychologist, agrees, while all the other guys from my D&D group disagree, but then again they’re a programmer and a graphic artist, so yeah…

Home made hamburgers

Hotaru and I continued folding paper cranes. I bought more paper stacks today because we ran out of them last night. We strung the cranes we’ve made together with string and a needle. I used the needle and then the kid would line up the little cranes so that all the hears and tails were aligned and perfect. Then we hung them with the other ones we’ve done these past few days. I really love doing this kind of thing with her. Sharing crafts with her is magical. It’s something I adore and being able to do it with someone you love makes it even more special. And this is for a good cause too, so yeah.

The little firefly has confessed to have asked the first evening star for grandpa Leo to get better three times already. I hope he does pull through. For her sake, for my mom’s, for my brother and sister and for his mother… but also for me and because he deserves to get better.

Mom and our old neighbors have been trying to find a bank that will allow us three to open a shared account to put the money from the house sale but they ask for too many things and it’s inconvenient for us to go through all that paperwork when time is of the essence. So we’ve been desperately trying to find a place that will accomodate our needs and that closes late enough for our neighbors to get there after work. It’s been a challenge.

Also, I called Mugen Gakuen and asked for their bank account number so I can deposit the tuition money rather than taking it there and risking getting mugged. It’s a lot of money so I’m happy to do it virtually. I’ll have to wait until after the 15th for that, but that’s just life.

I went to Hotaru’s old clinic to get a copy of her vaccination card. Their system was down, so it took longer than usual to get it and I was sent home three times, but I insisted I could wait. I feared they might forget to do it if I left. It’s not the first time I’ve been promised I’d get a call when the paperwork is done and they never phoned, so I waited there and eventually got the card when the system started working again. It was SO hot after yesterday’s rain that I was sweating a lot, which is odd for me. Looks like this will be a realy hot summer.

Hotaru and I made more Styrofoam stamps after she came back from school. The little firefely was happy she didn’t get vaccinated today either after all. I need to get that done ASAP in order to take her papers to Mugen Gakuen so I know this can’t realy wait long. I still need to take this new vaccination card to the clinic where she was born so they can print their own info in it, the vaccines she got when she was a month old.

Michiru didn’t come home tonight because she had class and we missed her a lot. Mom was supposed to come over for dinner but cancelled on us last minute. To palliate that, Hotaru and I made home made hamburgers for dinner. We served that with steamed rice and green peas. It was amazing.

There were a couple of technical issues with the cooking (like me forgetting to put flour into the mix and having a bara bara first batch ROFL) but it was solved soon enough and the rest of the hamburgers came out delicious.

I got an anxiety attack later at night but a call to my aunt Grace solved that. Thank the Gods for her! ❤

Lazy Sunday

Today was a super lazy day. Mom brought Hotaru back at like 10am. I got up to let her in and asked her to let us sleep for a little longer. She, being the nicest girl on Earth, played on her computer for about an hour before asking for food. Then we got up and had lunch. Before that, I was already awake, so I couldn’t go back to sleep. Instead, I alternating watching Michiru sleep and looking at the rain falling outside the window. It was a very violent storm and the trees shook dangerously outside. It was a wonderful and romantic quiet time, which I loved.

Michiru and I dozed off on the sofa most of the afternoon. We played a farming game with Hotaru on and off on Michiru’s tablet and then watched a couple of episodes of The Fall while the kid watched her own videos. I’m OK with her watching CookiSwirlC’s youtube channel, because it’s kid friendly and it’s how she learned English to begin with, so listening to her talk about what she’s doing with and to those toys (refurbishing) step by step helps her pick up new idioms and such.

Then we all sat together and watched an episode of The Croods which sucked so much I forbade Hotaru from watching it further. She complained a bit and asked why but finally agreed when I said it was because I said so. Truth is, it’s a cruel, violent, stupid show unfit for children and I don’t want her wasting her screen time on that when there’s Glitter Force and MLP which have great educational messages in each episode.

Odango Atama stopped by in the afternoon to drop an envelope with money I need to give to Casper’s mom tomorrow because she’ll be out of town in a business trip and there’s a deadline to pay for this year’s costume for the school play. She stayed for a little while to chat with Michiru and I. We talked mostly about cats and pets. It was fun, though I was super sleepy and my blood pressure plummeted at one point. Then she left and we resumed our lazy afternoon.

The three of us fell asleep after watching the show. The day was perfect for napping and slothing around, what with that storm overhead and all. The rain had stopped by the time we woke up and Michiru had to go home to have dinner with her family. Hotaru and I spent an hour playing together before dad picked us up to go to aunt Grace’s house for dinner.

Hotaru acted as GM for a princess RPG story she narrated for me. I wanted to do it the other way around, as usual, because I thought it’d be funnier for her, but she was adamant on narrating. It was an incredibly entertaining session. The problems were logic, the solutions intriguing and it was overall well conceived. This kid never ceases to amaze me. Honestly. I mean, she’s six and already acting GM of a RPG story that not only didn’t suck but was good. She’s gonna make a nerd super happy in a few years time LOL. (But she’s all mine for now and I’m her hero!)

Dinner at aunt Grace’s was exhilarating. Puli’s salads were as great as usual. Dad was funny, my cousin was his usual kind self and Sandra and my aunt said lots of silly stuff that cracked us up. At one point, aunt Grace got a bit sad about her mom and I cheered her up by talking about Christmas. She was worred about it but we ended up planning it and sorting out those issues that worried her. Not only that, we had lots of fun doing the planning and decided to invite more people than last year, though it’s gonna be a party with four people over eighty years old. It’s still gonna be fun, I just know. The rest of us will make up for it.

The idea is to bring back last year’s Christmas Crackers and add a few other games to spice things up. That should suffice to keep everyone entertained and in good spirit.

Mac’s Birthday party

Odango Atama brought Chibi Usa over for a play date today. She wanted me to teach her how to make gluten free pizza and other doughs so Hotaru and I went shopping for the right kind of flour after lunch. We went to a few naturist shops before we gave up on sorghum flour and went with pre mixed gluten free flour.

On the bright side, there’s a place around the corner that sells Umeboshi for a decent price. That was a wonderful surprise, considering the only other place that sold them around here charges four times as much for the same pack and it was very unreasonable of them.

Cooking went well. Usagi seemed keen to learn and the gluten free pizza came out great. We worked on that while the girls played in Hotaru’s room. Hotaru get so over excited whenever Chibi Usa comes over, that she somehow managed to bite her tongue hard enough to make it bleed a bit.

Chibi Usa ran into the kitchen yelling “Hotaru no papa! Hotaru no papa! Hotaru bit her tongue and it’s bleeding!” And I, too, panicked for a fraction of a second. Then I saw Odango Atama’s shocked face and I dashed into my bedroom, which is where Hotaru was hiding.

Turns out she had bit her tongue a bit and there was a little blood, but it was mostly her fear of blood that made her panic. She had trouble breathing because of her asthma and the shock, so I embraced her and said it would be all right but there was no calming her down. Not even when I explained that it was just a scare, that it wouldn’t hurt long. Maybe a da or two.

Hotaru calmed down after I explained that if she didn’t calm down I’d have to inject her with an asthma medicine so she could breathe. That did the trick and she focused on breathing slowly. When she calmed down I asked her to use her inhaler and that solved the problem.

Fifteen minutes later the pizzas were out of the oven and both Hotaru and Chibi Usa were eating happily as if nothing had happened. Odango Atama and I talked about lots of things, from cooking to literature and cats. I think she’s starting to relax a bit around me. She doesn’t seem as nervous as she used to before and we talk about more than just our legal problems these days.

Michiru wanted to talk to her for a while but, by the time she got here, Usagi and Chibi Usa had already left. There’s some dangerous guys around their block at night, so they have to be home early, especially on weekends.

Michiru, Hotaru and I talked and made origami cranes (it’s super sweet of Michiru to pitch in and wish for Leos’ recovery) for a while before my mom picked Hotaru up. Then Michiru and I sat on the couch as we did when we had just started dating, and talked about our days. Well, she did most of the talking for a change. Michiru was in a great mood today. Then we realized it was time for us to go to Mac’s birthday party and I changed into more formal clothes while Michiru freshened up.

The party was amazing. We had a blast. Michiru’s friends, coworkers and old school mates are all wonderful. They had very interesting anecdotes to tell and funny stories to share. We talked about the most diverse and bizarre things during dinner. Then the guys improvised a zombie role playing game somehow. I mean, one second, they were debating about a possible zombie apocalypse and the next, we were all playing this impromptu tabletop game.

Then most of them left because it was getting late and there was a storm brewing overhead. Michiru and I stayed, together with some of Mac’s closest friends. I confided in him and told him about my plan to ask Michiru to marry me soon. Even showed him a picture of the ring. I really hope he keeps the secret for me. He was as thrilled as I was about the whole thing and had some very helpful insight about Michiru’s feelings and point of view.

A bit later, the rest of us left and Michiru and I came home. We tried to make the most of our night off as parents, so the sun was waaaay up by the time we fell asleep, but it was spectacular. Michiru makes me the happiest person on Earth. I can’t wait for her to move in with us.

Reserving our Dream House

What a super busy day!

I woke up early and chatted with Michiru on the phone for a while. Then went back to sleep. Got up a couple of hours later. Umi-san was already here and I was able to give her some directives that I never have the time to discuss with her. I really wasn’t expecting her here after she said her husband was too busy for her to work a couple of days back.

Then we picked mom up from her office during her lunch break and went to renew Hotaru’s National ID Card. She had her picture taken, smiled at the camera and got her fingers scanned. It was fun. She was very enthusiastic about the whole process and in a great mood in general. The lovely weather helped a lot, but still, the kid enjoyed it. She even insisted on getting her picture taken at the Belgrano monument.

Going for a walk with my mom and Hotarun in such a good weather was great. I enjoyed it a lot, even if it was for the sole purpose of running this particular errand.

After that, we went to a restaurant, where my Godmother joined us for lunch. It was fun. I really miss talking to her. I know I could have easily arranged to see her whenever, but this year has been so emotionally demanding, I don’t think I could have had the heart for it.

At one point, mom took Hotaru to the toilette to wash her hands and my God mom said that Leo won’t make it and that she’s worried about my mom. She asked me if I went to see him recently because she did say goodbye before her trip to USA, thinking she wouldn’t find him at her return… yet, he’s still around.

That rocked my world. She seemed so adamant about him dying. I told her about the doctors and the treatment and she just shook her head. Mom keeps saying he’ll get better. How come he isn’t? I’m so confused and sad, it’s hard to think straight. Who is telling the truth? Mom sometimes says “if you get so upset about things I can’t tell you anything important.” Does that mean that she’s been withholding information from me? Or just that my God mom is very pessimistic for having lost very close relatives to Cancer herself?

I’m so afraid for Leo. He’s the strongest, kindest, best man I’ve ever met. He’s the one who made me believe that not all men are jerks after all (not that I’d ever consider dating one, but still). I love him like a father. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him.

My grandma’s sister was told she’d die soon and went on living for another 18 years (that was when I was five) and then Michiru’s dad and uncle were both diagnosed with terminal cancer years ago and are both still alive. Leo is a strong man. Why can’t he be like that? If Michiru’s dad was unable to get out of bed and he not travels the world, why can’t Leo be like that? It breaks my heart to even think about losing him.

I’m also sad for Hotaru, who adores him with a passion and for my mom, who deserves a man like that by her side. My God mom was right about one thing: Leo gave mom the best years of her life, the happiest, by far. I don’t know how she’ll fare without him. I’m planning on asking her to come live with us for a while if things take a turn for the worse. Think it will be good for her not to live alone.

Hotaru was a tad late for school today and she feared she might miss the ice cream parlor game they’ve been organizing all month, which was today. It turns out it’s tomorrow, so she didn’t miss anything and her new ID will be sent home in a few days. It was worth it. The headmistress told me she heard that Hotaru got accepted into Mugen Gakuen from the school accountant. I called him this morning to ask him to please use the tuition money that was meant for next year to pay for this month’s fee. News do travel fast in that school!

Anyway, I came home and obsessed over Leo for a while. Then picked Hotaru up from school and we walked home with Chibi Usa, Odango Atama and Serenity. We talked about Chibi Usa’s health and our plans for this Saturday. I’ll teach them how to cook with glutem free flour because, apparently, they don’t know how to use wheat flour. I mean, it’s the same thing. Anyway… they said Chibi Usa had an asthma fit yesterday and missed school because of that. We agreed to send them to summer school together so they can both get better from their asthma. Still haven’t told them the news about Mugen Gakuen. I want to find the perfect moment for that.

We only spent a few minutes at home to drop Hotaru’s back pack and we were off again, to the real estate agency, where we met mom to add money to the dream house’s down payment. We signed some papers while Hotaru practiced hiragana on my phone.

She had a severe asthma fit because mom gave her ice cream for dessert at lunch. I dashed to the pharmacy around the corner and bought her medicine, then came back. She used her inhaler and was dandy within a few seconds. That medicine really is effective! And thank goodness! I was so worried about her!

After that, mom went to the hospital and I took Hotaru to her pediatrician so she could certify that her vaccinations are up to date. She wrote me a note about that and a prescription so Hotaru can get her MMR shot and the other triple vaccine whose name I can’t remember right now. She prescribed the kid some pills for her motion sickness. Said to give her 1/4 of what I usually take. Looks like we might be able to go on vacation after all!

Then the Dr. made a super tacky remark about Leo’s health. She remembered my story and asked about the trial against Dr. Tomoe and about Leo’s cancer. When she heard what he has, she said “he’s done for, then” and I must have given her such a cold stare, the woman soon added “or, he could still be around for a few more years, of course!” Whatever. She’s a pediatrician, not an oncologist ¬¬ I refuse to believe he’s not OK. I asked mom earlier, about what my God mom said about him and she clicked her tongue and said she doesn’t understand a thing about these things and that I shouldn’t mind her.

Mom also said that Leo IS indeed getting better and A LOT better than he was before she left for USA a couple of weeks ago and that I shouldn’t worry. That eased my mind a bit. Then I googled bone metastasis and it said that people can live an average of 5 years after being diagnosed, but that those numbers are just an average, that some people live way beyond that. Leo’s been diagnosed fourteen months ago approximately, so there’s that. And I know he’s in excellent hands, because my old doctor, Dr. Marchetti, is a genius.

On our way home from the Dr’s office, Hotaru and I picked Rosewood flowers because they’re in bloom all over the city this time of the year. They turned the street into a wonderful lilac carpet ❤ It was majestic and I, too exhausted to bother taking pictures. Even my eyelashes are tired!

She suggested we made perfume with them and I had to explain how you need to press together hundreds of flowers to make that happen. Still, it was very creative of her and I love her mind, her imagination, her creativity. She never ceases to amaze me.

Since we’re all worried about Leo, to the point where Hotaru asked the first evening star to save him, I decided that we should fold a thousand paper cranes and ask for his recovery. Hotaru was completely on board with that and we spent a couple of hours engrossed in paper folding. She got a bit frustrated at first, because it’s a very complicated origami for a six year old (it has like 12 steps to follow and she had only managed to successfully complete those with 7 so far).

This led to a talk about giving your best whatever you do and not worrying if you fail… trying again until you succeed and the sort. She wasn’t happy about it at first and acted like any other child, but after her 5th failed attempt was followed by a perfect crane, she got the point: the happiness of succeeding after many failures is greater than when it just comes out right the first time around.

Hotaru and I played Animal Jam for a little while. Found our way through a maze full of pumpkins and fall leaves and discovered may treasure chests. Then we went to her refuge to redecorate it with all the new things she collected from the chests. Then she talked on the phone with Chibi Usa for an hour or so. Asked Odango Atama in secret what Chibi Usa’s favorite color was so she could make her a bracelet with elastic bands, the same way she made one for Rami and Lulu the day before yesterday.

The kid said they loved them when she gave them the presents yesterday so that’s a win. Rami’s was a birthday present, although Michiru and I bought him a Playmobile blind bag. Lulu’s was a commission. Yes, my kid is popular LOL.

Mom and my God mom asked me a dozen times if I’m certain that I want to start over with another baby now that Hotaru is finally old enough to be somehow independent. They said I won’t have any time for myself again… like I haven’t spent the last six years of my life bringing up a child. I already know what it’s like. It’s not like I’m making a naïve decision fueled by fairy tales and diaper commercials.

I asked mom late at night if she really thinks having more children would be a mistake and she said no. She told me that it’s great to dream big and chase after those dreams, that such is the only way to make them come true and enjoy life to its fullest. Besides, we both agree that if our friend Gloria was able to raise two children and then publish half a dozen books after that, so can I. And there’s still a couple of years before Michiru and I have children. I can use that time to write like a crazy person while Hotaru is at the Mugen Gakuen.

Hotaru washed and chopped strawberries for dessert. We watched Gliter Force during dinner and tonight’s episode was SO inspirational. It was about friendship and how things are much better if they’re shared, be that food, joy or sadness. I almost teared up. Friendship tends to do that to me.