Having your 6yo drag you out of the proverbial closet

I had a huge panic attack last night. Michiru, being the angel that she is, stayed up and helped me calm down. She held my hand until it passed. Lucky for Hotaru, the kid didn’t notice a thing. I would have hated lying to her and her therapist Helga-san insists she isn’t to be told about Leo’s passing yet, so it would have been inconvenient. I want Hotaru to be happy. I don’t want her to feel the pain and heartache I’m going through.

What made me sad was decorating the Christmas Tree. Mom bought one for us since she couldn’t find hers. Hotaru was beyond thrilled and so was I for the first time in my life, as I’ve never cared one bit about putting the thing together, but this year… I don’t know…

Last year we all decorated it as a family, with Leo and mom and Hotaru… and now he’s gone. That hit me bad and I was super sad, which eventually became a trigger. I still had insane fun decorating the tree with Hotaru and Michiru (mom was too exhausted and left after dinner).

I was still shaken when I woke up this morning, so I just sat on the couch for a while, feeling the slightest thing would cause me another anxiety attack. Looking for a possible solution, I sunbathed at the balcony for a few minutes, thinking perhaps day light would help. They say people in countries with little sunlight are more likely to get depressed so, perhaps, the opposite was true and the light would cheer me up.

It kinda did, so Hotaru and I packed some snacks and headed for the park for a picnic. We spent the entire day at the park. It was quiet and just what I needed. We laid our plastic on the grass and took out my book and her art supplies. I tried to read while she painted some Disney princesses, but she would talk all the time so I gave up. Instead, I lay on my back using the book as a pillow and stared at the sky. Looking at the clouds roll by slowly and the tree canopies dancing in the breeze was just what I needed. It recharged my batteries completely.

When I was a bit more recovered and Hotaru was done with both her lunch and her coloring, we switched to Japanese. I taught her Koko/Soko/Asoko and we practiced her long objects counter (ippon, nihon, sanbon…) and even made a video of her counting her color pencils. We also practiced all the body parts she already knows and added a few new ones to expand her horizons.

After that, we drew fruits and veggies and wrote their names in Hiragana, then we played Shiritori on our way home. It was such a great day that at the park that the dread was completely forgotten by the time we got home (it was like 8pm by then!).

Hotaru took a nap while I made dinner, then I took a nap while the kid was on the phone with Chibi Usa, talking about their Christmas Trees and My Little Pony. When she hung up, we worked on a birthday card for Michiru. She’s turning thirty on Friday ^^

After that, Hotaru and I tried to bake gluten free Christmas Bread for Chibi Usa and Odango Atama, but it was an epic fail… well… not so much. It turned out to be a really yummy pudding. But it certainly doesn’t look like any sort of bread. Gluten free cooking is SOOOOOO frustrating. I’ve always been a very intuitive cook. I can whisk together a few ingredients in eye measured proportions and always have a delicious result that looks and tastes exactly as planned…

Well, looks like my ability to measure things and guess how the different proportions affect the final result has A LOT to do with gluten and how it chemically and physically affects dough and batter… Which is very frustrating. I love cooking intuitively as much as I hate following recipes. Seriously. I can’t follow a recipe to save my life. I. NEED. TO. REBEL. Always have and always will. This only means I’ll have to experiment with gluten free flour a lot more.

After our failed baking (which was a good opportunity to teach the kid how to fail and not care about it), Hotaru and I listened to an old bedtime stories collection I used to play before bedtime as a kid. My mom worked a lot so she seldom had the time for bedtime stories. Instead, she bought me a set of books that came with cassette tapes, where a man and a woman took turns reading the stories out loud.

Hotaru absolutely loved them. Especially the ones about Gobolino, the witch’s cat. I used to love his stories. They were my very favorite from all the recorded stories. I read a couple of them to her myself, but my throat has been sore this week so I apologized and kept playing the recordings instead. She was very understanding. I still recited some parts of the story over the cassette, because they were my favorite and it was very nostalgic.

The kid drew a kitty flying on a broom and wrote Gobolino under it and said those stories were her favorite and then made a tiny heart with her hands. We also listened to Rapunzel, The Beauty and the Beast, The Shoe Maker and the Elves and another couple of stories. We spent like two hours listening to those old stories. It was so wonderful to hear them again and share them with the kid ❤ ❤ ❤

Oh, I forgot to mention this but, as we worked on the Christmas Bread, Hotaru and I were singing an old nursery rhyme about a girl who wants to get married. At one point, Hotaru stopped and looked at me with a smug smile. Then, she said “I know whom you want to get married to.” “Who?” I asked. And she said: “Michiru.”

I was mildly surprised, because this is not the first time that she brings this up.

“What makes you think that?” I asked.

“Well, you’re Haruka-papa and if you married her, then she’d be Michiru-mama for real and I’d have two mothers.” She said with a huge grin. I was two inches away from pinching myself. It felt so surreal. I keep on thinking that kids would hate to have two mothers or fathers because other people might bully them… or that no kid wants their parent to get married to someone else, even though I know that Hotaru loves Michiru and that she is ok with gay people.

“Wouldn’t you hate that?” I asked. “Having two mothers.”

Hotaru looked at me like I was a two headed alien and said: “No. Why would I? I adore Michiru and she’s polite and fun.”

“Even though she keeps on telling you off whenever you misbehave or forget to brush your teeth?” I asked.

Hotaru snorted. “Of course!” The kid can be sassy sometimes. I usually discourage it but I secretly love it when she gives me a little attitude, as long as it’s a harmless situation like this.

“And you’re sure you don’t mind us being gay?”

She rolled her eyes and pointed at me with a batter coated spoon.

“I LOVE you guys being gay!” Hotaru said with a grin, as she jumped up (I was starting to fear she’d spill the batter at this point). “Because that way I can have two moms and you’ll both love me.” She said. Not that we don’t love her currently, mind you. “Wouldn’t you like to marry Michiru?” She asked with a worried frown.

I was out of words for a moment. I knew the answer, but I didn’t know whether it was the time to talk about that. Then again, I felt it was and I’d rather go with the flow and follow my intuition than thinking things over like a pragmatic person. When I try to be someone I’m not, it often ends in disaster.

“Yes. I’m kind of in love with her.” I confessed. She gasped in a Fluffle Puff impersonation and jumped up and down in elation again (so I took the batter bowl from her hands and placed it on the counter).

“Then you DEFINITELY must marry her!”

“Eventually… but, are you sure you wouldn’t mind her moving in with us? Because if I married her, she’d have to move in here.” I explained.

Hotaru snorted again.

“Of course I don’t mind. I love having Michiru around. I adore her!”

“Why?”

“Because she’s the best and she can turn into a dog!” (that’s an inside joke I don’t feel like explaining right now but it was cute of her to bring it up).

“All right.” I said. “I’ll probably ask her to marry me… in time. But I want you to know that if you ever feel she does or says something that upsets you or whatever, you come straight to me. You’re my daughter before anything else and you’ll always come first.” I promised and she gave me a bear hug.

I showed her the engagement ring and had her swear to keep the secret until I decided it was the right time to propose. She was beyond excited and gasped when she saw it, then whispered “it’s beautiful…”

Then she refocused on the batter and that was that but I think it was very sweet. She’s the sweetest. If I were to read this I’d think someone was writing a very boring piece of fiction where all the Mary Sues act just as one would dream they would… Looks like I’m doing something right raising this kid. Not only she doesn’t ask me to buy her stuff whenever we go out, but she’s also pro gay marriage and gets along wonderfully with my girlfriend. I’m so lucky to have this great people in my life.

Mom has been super supportive to me, too. Not only in general, but today in particular. We had a long talk over the phone about my panic attack. My aunt was just as supportive and kept me company through whatsapp when I needed it.

Oh, another funny thing that happened today… I confessed to mom that I’m absolutely clueless as to what to get Michiru for her birthday… and she gave me a few suggestions! It was positively surreal. I mean, my mom, who didn’t want to hear anything about me being gay had Michiru and us over for lunch last weekend and now she not only gives me birthday present ideas, but she even said that we should bring Michiru along with us when we take the architect over to the new house so he can help us plan the remodeling… I was like WOW. And, the other day, when I talked to her about Michiru moving in, she said that life was meant to be enjoyed and that she’s happy I’m getting a chance to do the things I’ve always dreamed of. ❤ Man, I love my mom ❤

Also wrote to my therapist. She will get back to work next week but after hearing of how anxious I’ve been lately, she suggested I started on clonazepam again. I was completely against it so she said she wanted me to talk with a psychiatrist to have her decide whether or not I should go back on those meds. I agreed but I plan on making it crystal clear that I don’t have the slight intention on taking any meds. Four years was more than enough for a lifetime. I’m not going back to being a zombie.

I also couched Phillip’s mom Grace through the process of buying a Pokemon game from the Nintendo 3DS console… through Whatsapp! I had to send the poor woman a bunch of screencaps and even then I’m not sure she managed to make the purchase.

Health update: I really need to get my wisdom tooth removed. It hurts often. I dislocated my jaw somehow (probably trying to avoid using my wisdom tooth), which has made eating extremely painful in the last few days. It seems I’ve sprained my ankle at the park so yeah… I’m a mess.

 

Long weekend

Yes, I’ve been super MIA. I know. I haven’t been in the mood for writing lately. I’m still too shocked and sad by Leo’s passing. I hadn’t recovered from what happened to Mr. Remus yet (he was our pet bunny) and now this… I’ve never had a healthy relationship with death. It terrifies the hell out of me and this keeps me in a gloomy mood.

Still, I’ve been trying my best to stay active and put on a strong face for Hotaru’s sake. There’s lots of news, too.  All of them wonderful.

Mom promised Hotaru she’d give us her old Christmas Tree as it was too huge for her now that she’ll be moving into a small apartment. Hotaru was thrilled, but also felt a little guilty about her not having her own tree, so we worked on this project. I think it came out amazing. We worked on it for about five days and Hotaru did all the difficult work. I just carved the tree shape with an exacto knife and glued the parts together.

Hotaru painted it and then designed the decorations and made most of them out of cold porcelain. I only made the reindeer and the dove. The kid modeled the sledge, mini Santa, mini elf, present box, candy cane and all the tiny balls. We gave it to mom last Saturday.

Mom absolutely loved it. She was very touched by the gift and said it was the best Christmas Tree she’s had in her entire life. She’s also cleared an entire table at her house to place it. Hotaru was beyond happy to learn this. She also said it was a little sad the project was over, and that she would miss working on it.

I would have suggested we made another one, but there’s so much Christmas baking waiting for us (and in this weather ugh!) and then there’s the home made crackers… we’ll have more than enough to keep us busy.

Yesterday, I signed the second part of the paperwork needed to sell the house so we got half of the money already. I think we’ll be signing the last batch of papers on January 9th, but I’m not sure. I had never seen so many dollars together in my life. I wasn’t too impressed though. I don’t value money much to be honest. I’d rather be happy with those I hold close to my heart.

In fact, having to count all that money to make sure it was all there, was a HUGE nuisance. Especially with everyone else talking and swapping phone numbers. They were super distracting and the constant whispering of numbers forced me to start over several times. By the end, I felt murderous. I’m lucky I’ll never have a job that requires me to constantly count money because it would be most frustrating.

Both the other sellers, my old neighbors Susan and Karina, were in awe of Hotaru. They had seen her last weekend when she spent the night at mom’s. They were both very impressed by her vocabulary and general knowledge, as well as her speech pattern. They said it sounds very adult like. They don’t know half of it LOL. The kid is such a genius ❤

(Above – Left to right: Chibi Usa, Lulu, Hotaru, Valu)
(Below – Left to right: Andy-sensei, Chibi Usa, Valu, Hotaru)

Hotaru had an event at school last week. The school teachers gave a speech, then Valu’s mom did the same representing the lot of us. The teachers made out kids enter the stage holding a red candle and sing a song for us. It was super cute. They also gave her a medal and a diploma which I consider ridiculous, as they’re not finishing college or anything but whatever. The kid loved it. She’s happy with her medal and carried it everywhere for a few days. That’s what counts.

The kid discovered a new anime that I didn’t know about. It’s called Go! Princess Precure! And we absolutely love it. The main character is a silly girl named Haruka and one of her best friends is called Minami Kaidou… and she’s a total Michiru ripoff. I love this fact, though I think that making her play the violin on top of everything else was a bit overkill. It’s also about 50 episodes long so we’ll be entertained for a long while. Hotaru was sad when Glitter Force was over so this is good news for us.

This was a long weekend. We did plenty of things. Hotaru and I had dinner at my dad’s which was unexpectedly fun. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him but, with my aunt and Sandra and Ruben out of town at the beach house, I didn’t expect to have a blast. We totally did. Sang all night while he played his guitar and dinner was excellent. Even Hotaru joined us for some of the folk songs. She tried to mimic me and learn the lyrics (because she can’t read well enough to read them off the song book yet). It was SO ADORABLE ❤

Hotaru’s friend Phillip invited her over to his house on Friday. They spent the afternoon playing Pokemon TCG and swapping pokemon from 3DS to 3DS as they both own many of the franchise games but in different versions. We have Y and he has X, we have Black and he has White, etcetera. They also went upstairs to their terrace and played with water. Phillip’s mom said they completely drenched the dog and the neighbor LOL. The woman is nice and they live four blocks from where we’ll be moving but she’s too old and doesn’t understand half the things both kids and I talk about.

Michiru and I went on a date to the movies. ^^ We watched Underworld Blood Wars. It was great. I loved it as an action film, but having grown up playing Vampire the Masquerade and other World of Darkness tabletop RPG games, I felt I didn’t believe some parts of the plot. I hated it as a sequel to the saga, even though I loved the movie itself. I know I should be more open minded and understand that Underworld isn’t White Wolf’s WoD, but still… those white haired vampires are SO LAME, they could be Edward Cullen’s long lost cousins. And that’s all I’m gonna say about it. Been bitching about it to the D&D guys all week. I want them to watch it so we can all comment on the subject. Agus promised he would.

Back to the date, it was sweet. We walked to the mall, ordered some food while we chatted about untranscendental things and discussed our daddy issues for such a long time after dinner, we would have completely missed the movie if I hadn’t casually asked what time it was. I thought we still had some time before the movie started and wanted to make sure we didn’t forget about it but when we looked at the time, it was seven minutes past the time printed on the tickets!! We dashed upstairs and were lucky they were showing other movie trailers.

It has been exactly eleven years since the last time Michiru and I went to the movies together. We went to see Constantine back in 2005, though neither of us paid any attention to the movie back then. Underworld we did watch. We no longer have raging hormones and I was really looking forward to this movie. Besides, I love just sitting next to her. Makes me happy. We walked home and watched another movie on the couch before I gave her a back rub and we went to bed, too exhausted to do anything but sleep. Man, we’re old! Officially middle aged LOL.

(Michiru took that pic at the shopping last week and she suggested the pose. It’s so funny ^^)

In the crafts department, Hotaru and I have made other things besides the tree. We made Yo-Kai watches with paper, coloring pencils and some glue.

Sunday, Michiru, Hotaru and I had lunch at my mom’s. It was the first time she officially spent time with Michiru. It was a great lunch. We talked about lots of interesting stuff while Hotaru played with water in the back yard, under my dead old Plum tree. Mom told Michiru funny anecdotes from when I was a child and they both praised Hotaru endlessly. I loved to see us all sharing a table like a family. Michiru even got Hotaru to eat carrots! And she asked for a second helping! Mom was impressed. I was speechless.

Hotaru improvised a tabletop RPG during the second half of our lunch. It involved cooking and some paranormal activity regarding green peas (it’s weird, I know!). She acted as a GM and narrated the story for us in a very mature way. She never ceases to amaze me. She even explained RPG games to my mom so she could play as well. Then, upon seeing her puzzled face, she told her “I think this might be a bit too complex for you, granny.” I laughed my butt off and I’m sure Michiru would have too hadn’t she been a bit intimidated by my mom.

Mom and I gave Michiru the grand tour of the house so she can get to know it before it’s demolished.

After that, Michiru  took Hotaru to the park and I went to Home Depo with Setsuna and her boyfriend. I thought she was driving, which scared me a bit, since she only got her licence two months ago. Luckily for me, it was the boyfriend who drove us there. We had a blast! There was SO MUCH to see. I helped her pick a bathroom curtain and a carpet for her living room. There was a sink I absolutely fell in love with. (The one below)

We tried half a dozen office chairs until both Setsuna and I found one we wanted, but mine was too expensive and will have to wait for another month and hers wasn’t boyfriend approved so she chose not to buy it in the end. I think that’s a mistake on her account. She has to trust her judgement and be her own woman, but I couldn’t tell her that in front of him so I’ll have to find the right moment to bring it up.

Today is Hotaru’s last day of school. I’m supposed to throw confetti at her but the party supply store was closed and now I’m crossing my fingers they’ll reopen when they say they will so I can get it before she gets out. I’m so excited about her going to Mugen Gakuen next year!!

Close encounter with death

Today was a strange day. It had a very unusual start, but a very fitting one for Thanksgiving (although we don’t officially celebrate it here in Argentina).

I woke up to my cat Lana yowling like crazy. I didn’t get what she meant but she did her best to get me out of bed. I didn’t want to. My body still felt heavy and my joints ached. Hotaru had spent the night at my mom’s and was supposed to take the little firefly straight to school. The official plan was to stay in bed until I had to pick her up. Umi san has her own set of keys so she would let herself out after cleaning the house.

Upon opening my eyes, I did register a faint gas odor, but I disregarded it because the only place that has a gas connection is the kitchen and that’s in the other end of the apartment. Besides, my sense of smell sucks big time. Why would I trust it?

Well, turns out it was right. Umi san had unintentionally left one of the stove knobs on ON after cleaning, but there was no flame. She probably ran the rag through the knobs and one of them just turned around without her noticing, as they’re very sensitive and her eyesight is poor.

Thing is, mom had a feeling she just HAD to stop by my place before dropping Hotaru at school and she, having the hound nose she has, panicked at once. She dashed into the kitchen, turned the stove off and opened all the windows in the house.

I was extremely lucky she decided to do so. I wouldn’t be alive now if she hadn’t. I was so sleepy and sluggish after being exposed to the gas for over an hour, that I couldn’t even help her open the windows. There’s one thing to be thankful for!

After that, we took Hotaru to school. Went to Mugen Gakuen to ask directions to the place that sells their uniform and planned to go there next when a delicious smell from the school’s buffet drew our attention. For old time’s sake, mom and I walked into the cafeteria and ordered today’s menu. Takikomi Gohan and Karaage (ironically, I wrote a short story named exactly that two nights ago!). She also ordered half a dozen Dorayaki and a bunch of fortune cookies because she was clearly in a playful mood (which is her way of grieving, trying to look super upbeat). Mom was nice enough to buy enough for Michiru as well, which is super kind of her.

Mom was so hungry she ate her Dorayaki on the spot while I took our bento home. Before we left, we ran into Misui sensei, my old headmistress, who asked if Hotaru had gotten a seat after all. She implied that it would have been sad that a girl who already speaks Japanese didn’t make it into the school and she looked genuinely happy to learn that the little firefly had been accepted.

We went to buy Hotaru’s uniform next. The place was only a couple of blocks from the school and the clothes are really adorable, yet sober. They have Mugen Gakuen’s logo all over them ❤

We only got the summer and winter uniform for the time being. I’ll have to come back later and get the gym uniform and the official one for ceremonies. But it’s smart of us to get it now. Prices always go up at the beginning of a school year. I’ll try calling the school soon to learn which gym set the girls use, as they’ve several options, depending on which sport your kid chooses.

I can’t believe how tall Hotaru has gotten lately! She’s wearing a size TEN already! And she’s merely six years old! But she can barely fit into a size eight and I seriously doubt she will by the end of the summer, after three months of swimming and running under the sun.

Mom and I ran into Odango Atama when picking Hotaru up. Usagi and Chibi Usa walked with us to our usual square but I was tired and wanted to get home as soon as possible, so we didn’t stop to play. I did stop for a minute to exchange a couple of words with Luz, Valentina’s mother because it has been ages since we’ve last spoken and we used to be quite close last year. Turns out her mother is still very ill so it makes perfect sense that she hasn’t been paying much attention to me or asking for play dates. It’s good to know it’s not personal. This way, I can still call her next year and see if she’d like to lend us her daughter for a couple of hours. Hotaru loves to play with her. Valentina and Chibi Usa are her best friends.

Michiru came home after work. Mom had left by then. Michiru and I had the obento mom bought for tea (it was beyond delicious!) and Hotaru nibbled on the Dorayaki and then had a cereal bar. Michiru wanted to go to the park, but I was still feeling tired so I declined. Instead, we chatted about silly stuff while Hotaru napped with the cat on the sofa and then all of us wathced Kung Fu Panda 3. I liked it but there were several parts that upset me… from a moral perspective. No spoilers, but the movie was OK after all.

Dinner was simple because of my lack of energy. I made it in a rush while Hotaru took a bath and it drained me. No normal flu that lasts this long usually goes away on its own and my throat still hurts, so I guess I’ll be needing antibiotics, but I’m still gonna hope for the best a couple more days before dragging myself to the Dr’s office, which is boring and unpleasant. I have to go there in a couple of days for a blood test and I’d like to see an eye doctor as well, so I’ll try to let things pile up and then see all the different doctors I need to see on the same day.

After dinner, Michiru took a shower and went straight to bed, while Hotaru and I stayed up. Sleeping right after dinner is not healthy and gives you nightmares, which we want to avoid.

Hotaru drew pictures in a story book she’s writing, while I finished my book on Japanese Sociology (started it yestereday… yes, I’m a very fast reader!). Then I read three Japanese bed time stories to her instead of Harry Potter or Narnia. I read her bedtime stories in Japanese at least once a week. I read every sentence and then say it in Spanish or English for her to understand the story fully and I can tell she has started to understand what’s going on without looking at the pictures or me translating.

Today it was one about a bus driver, one about a bunny and another one about a mouse and other animals who suffered from insomnia. We didn’t finish the last one because she was too sleepy, but it was too much like the one we read last time anyway, so no biggie. The art on that one was amazing, though, with a teal background and pastel colors. And such detail!

I had wanted to write tonight, but I don’t feel in the mood. My muse took the year off, it seems. I was feeling it a bit these past few days but I was too tired to even type. LOL

Don’t know if I’ve mentioned it, but Franco told me last Saturday that he and his friend want me to teach them Japanese from level zero. I was beyond thrilled at the idea of going back to teaching, especially Japanese, which I love. Teaching Hotaru has been SO MUCH FUN I can’t wait to go back to it. But my everything hurt so I wasn’t able to display this joy so now Franco thinks I’m not too interested (not really my problem).

Well, today he said that two other friends of his want to join the class, so we’re talking a 3-4 students class. I’m so excited! He understands I’m still shaken over my step dad, so he was kind enough to say they would wait until I feel completely recovered to start talking schedules.

Funny fact, I think I might be a lot like my mom on this regard: I want to go back to work as soon as possible and do things that make me happy to help me palliate the pain of losing someone so important to me.

I was laying awake in bed the other night, crying my eyes out and then it hit me. I wasn’t able to do much for Leo this past year because of the court process against Dr. Tomoe, so I’ll try to stay close to his children and take care of them, help my (step)  brother and sister however I can. It’s what he would have done and it’s what I will do.

As soon as they’re back on their feet a bit, I’ll invite them (and mom) over for a family dinner and let them all know just how much they mean to me and that they can count on me for whatever they might need. Not only now, but in five years time or ten years time.

I wanted to ask mom to save one of his old ties for me, so I can wear it when Michiru and I get married next year, but so far I’ve been too much of a chicken and didn’t dare to bring him up if she didn’t… and she didn’t, of course. Because she doesn’t talk about feelings, especially if they’re anything but blissful.

Oh, Setsuna said we should get together and celebrate that I didn’t die today by crafting cute things out of cold porcelain, which is something we used to do a lot back in high school. I love the idea and it’s cheered me up a lot, just like the idea of teaching did. I miss spending lots of time with Setsuna. I’ve been wearing the clothes she’s given me almost every day now. They’re my favorite and make me feel close to her. Besides, everyone says they look dashing on me =P But, mostly, I wear them because I feel we’re close. ❤

I wish we lived closer by so we could spend more time together doing stuff. She’s been a bit under the weather too lately. Said she had the same symptoms I did so perhaps it’s an epidemic. Michiru’s mom and sister (and herself) felt like this too for a few days last week.

Goodbye to a great man

My step dad, Leo, passed away last night. We’re all very sad. He was the best man I’ve had the pleasure to meet.

We haven’t told Hotaru yet. It will break her heart and she has lost so much this year already. I don’t even know how to break it up to her.

Mom spent the afternoon here with us, cleaning like a maniac and helping me figure out the best way to remodel my dream house. She’s such a strong woman. I don’t get how she can keep going like that.

Guess everyone grieves differently. I’m so sad I can’t focus on anything. I keep thinking of his children and his poor mother and my mom and Hotaru when she learns about it… He was amazing. It’s heart breaking.